- Sign up for courses that will improve your communication, team play and leadership skills. Then try out what you learn on the people who make your life most miserable. Practice until you get it right.
- Seek out assignments that enable you to work with a variety of colleagues, rather than the same old few you always get stuck with. This will improve your people skills, broaden your visibility and revitalize your work day. Even if you're still working in the same company, it can be very energizing to work with new people.
- Request assignments with people you genuinely like. After hanging out with them awhile, you're sure to feel better about yourself and your company. Volunteer for a committee that's working on an interesting issue or project so you can develop an internal community of colleagues with shared interests and values.
- When you have the time and energy, pitch in to help others who are on "job overload." You'll build a reputation as a team player, and develop a supportive network to help you out should the favor ever need to be returned.
- Give credit where credit is due. Rather than try to steal the limelight for yourself, share it with others. People will feel better about working for and with you.
Be on the lookout for little ways you can foster cooperation instead of conflict. When others sense your attitude, they may mellow, too.
Don't harbor grudges. They build ill will and give you ulcers. Chronic anger is a symptom of a serious emotional problem. It has a way of catching up with people who hold onto it too long.
Take Criticism for What It's Worth
Just because someone says you're a bad person doesn't mean you're a jerk. It just means that someone doesn't like you. While being disliked may be painful to tolerate, it's not a reflection of your self-worth.
Personality conflicts make for hostile confrontations that are hurtful to everyone involved. Worse, the insults that get hurled at you tend to linger in your mind for years. A 30-year-old journalist stills remembers how humiliated she felt when a manager called her "immature and childish," even though she was only 23 at the time. To this day, whenever she recalls the incident, the remark brings tears to her eyes and she lashes out in fury.
Recognize a battle of egos for what it is - unhealthy competition and try, if possible, to recast the controversy into more neutral and professional waters. For example, a computer programmer who was told he was a snob asked for specific examples of incidents when he'd intentionally made his accuser feel inferior.
After hearing one example, the programmer realized that a gesture of distaste he'd made about an assignment had been misconstrued by his co-worker as a personal insult. Once the misunderstanding was cleared up, the two felt much less resentful of each other.
Asking for specific examples of your supposedly noxious behavior can help you gain insight into the true nature of the criticism that's been leveled at you - as long as you're truly open to what the data means. Most people don't know how to give constructive criticism or receive it. In general, the more you respect others' talents and feelings, the more likely you'll be to couch your criticism in useful language. On the other side of the table, the more confident and self-aware you are, the more likely you'll be able to hear and evaluate the criticism fairly.
To become more effective at handling criticism constructively, keep the following guidelines in mind:
- Don't assume the other person is right or wrong. Obtain more than one point of view to determine its accuracy.
- Try not to be defensive. Ask yourself: Is there any truth to what this person is saying?
- Accept responsibility for fixing what needs fixing.
- Even if your feelings are hurt, don't harbor a grudge against the giver. It will only poison your relationship.
